To those close to me, one of the
main things I am always talking about is the gym, workouts, the new diet I am
on, and what my goals are. Trying to maintain a figure and feeling good about
myself surfaced my thoughts nearly all the time. The amount of time I spent
thinking about these things were extremely unhealthy. I was never satisfied with
my results and always wanted more. One of the biggest factors that impacted how
I viewed myself and self-image was social media. I had an image of what I
wanted to look like. The dream body I aspired to push myself towards. This
ultimately led myself down a dark road of comparison, always being let down,
insecurities, and never feeling adequate.
Have you ever wanted something so
bad that you were willing to take any measures to get there? Yeah, that was me.
I wanted to have that ideal body—or the one I thought I wanted. So, I am
following all these girls on Instagram who are fitness superstars. Seriously.
Their hair is perfect all the time, absolutely no sweat drenching their bodies,
and awes-struck by their workout clothes that only covered .08% of their body
yet they still looked flawless. How. HOW?
This stuff messes with your mind. I
literally had an image burned in my head of what I should look like and I did
not meet the standards. I hated looking at myself. I hated the person I saw and
the person I was becoming. My insecurities were at an all time low and I couldn’t
even stand my reflection as I stood in the mirror trying to buy clothes. I was
becoming miserable because comparison robbed me of my happiness, my security,
and even enjoying the simplicities of life.
Eventually, it became so
overwhelming for me and the determination I had to lose weight drove me to
purging. The thing is, I was so blinded by selfishness and loss of self, I did
not even care that I was harming myself. I got to the point where I convinced
myself that I had control of it and I could keep it at a minimal and only do it
whenever I felt like it was necessary. Sadly, that’s not how things like that
work. It got to the point where I was hitting that bathroom toilet every time I
put food in my mouth, even if what I was eating healthy food. I was at the
point where I didn’t even need to put any fingers in my mouth to help the
process. Oh my gosh. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn’t stop. It was
an initial reaction that became part of my everyday life. I would look up side
effects hoping that it would scare me from doing it but I didn’t care. I wanted
that body. I wanted to look good.
This was probably one of the
hardest things I have ever been through—because, I am a Christian. I love
Jesus. Yet, here I was, harming the temple that God gave me. So as time goes by,
not only am I continually bingeing but I started taking diet enhancer pills. I
was losing weight fast already by the purging but whenever I combined that with
the pills, it was almost daily I was shedding pounds. It was an obsession. I
was never satisfied. I wanted more. I was cheating my way through and hurting
my body along the way but no one had to know. I left college for the summer at
almost 165 lbs. and whenever I returned I was barely pushing 120 lbs. I am only
5’5” and for me to lose that amount of weight with my height, I looked very
sick. I had people telling me my cheeks were sinking in, my thighs no longer
touched, and I was weak and frail.
I knew I was in the wrong, I felt
like people read it on my forehead that as soon as I stepped out of that
bathroom, and my cheeks were red, eyes watering, that it was obvious I had just
thrown up my food. And the fact that I was down to my ideal weight that I
wanted in hopes to look like the models I saw, satisfaction definitely still
was nowhere to be found. I was still insecure, I didn’t feel pretty, and I didn’t
have strength. Of course, I had some people telling me I looked good but every
curve that I once had was gone. WHY COULD I NEVER BE SATISFIED? I even still
tried to convince myself that at any minute I could quit purging. I tried to “convince”
God that too. Ha.
Here I am at church one Sunday night
at a healing service. I’m chilling. Not trying to pay attention too much. The
guy speaking was a guest speaker and he starts calling off all these different
things that he felt the Lord was laying on his heart to pray with and for these
people to receive healing. He was calling off things like diabetes, cancer, the
flu, shoulder problems--- and then—he said that there was someone in the
congregation who had been purging and was trying to convince themselves they
had control over it but the Lord is saying for them to stop. Immediately. Right
then and there, no arguments, ya girl quit. Cold turkey. Have I relapsed? Yes.
Have I been tempted? Definitely. But I have received healing.
Today I am fully healed. I no
longer have the urge to want to do this. I have actually gained all the weight
I lost back. I am doing things the right way—the healthy way. I have worked my
butt off in the gym and am naturally getting to the goals I have set before.
They are manageable, reasonable, and even though the process getting there is
much longer, the process builds strength and character. So, yeah, I love to
workout. I love pushing myself. I talk about working out often simply because I
am proud that I don’t have to shove two fingers down my throat for me to feel
worthy. God is good. He has healed me. Not only has He helped me get past this
but He is showing me just how worthy I am in His eyes. Being able to enjoy
myself and my body is the best feeling ever and I only get better from here. I’m
still learning a lot and I may not be where I want to be but I’m definitely not
where I was.
