To those close to me, one of the main things I am always talking about is the gym, workouts, the new diet I am on, and what my goals are. Trying to maintain a figure and feeling good about myself surfaced my thoughts nearly all the time. The amount of time I spent thinking about these things were extremely unhealthy. I was never satisfied with my results and always wanted more. One of the biggest factors that impacted how I viewed myself and self-image was social media. I had an image of what I wanted to look like. The dream body I aspired to push myself towards. This ultimately led myself down a dark road of comparison, always being let down, insecurities, and never feeling adequate.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you were willing to take any measures to get there? Yeah, that was me. I wanted to have that ideal body—or the one I thought I wanted. So, I am following all these girls on Instagram who are fitness superstars. Seriously. Their hair is perfect all the time, absolutely no sweat drenching their bodies, and awes-struck by their workout clothes that only covered .08% of their body yet they still looked flawless. How. HOW?

This stuff messes with your mind. I literally had an image burned in my head of what I should look like and I did not meet the standards. I hated looking at myself. I hated the person I saw and the person I was becoming. My insecurities were at an all time low and I couldn’t even stand my reflection as I stood in the mirror trying to buy clothes. I was becoming miserable because comparison robbed me of my happiness, my security, and even enjoying the simplicities of life.

Eventually, it became so overwhelming for me and the determination I had to lose weight drove me to purging. The thing is, I was so blinded by selfishness and loss of self, I did not even care that I was harming myself. I got to the point where I convinced myself that I had control of it and I could keep it at a minimal and only do it whenever I felt like it was necessary. Sadly, that’s not how things like that work. It got to the point where I was hitting that bathroom toilet every time I put food in my mouth, even if what I was eating healthy food. I was at the point where I didn’t even need to put any fingers in my mouth to help the process. Oh my gosh. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn’t stop. It was an initial reaction that became part of my everyday life. I would look up side effects hoping that it would scare me from doing it but I didn’t care. I wanted that body. I wanted to look good.

This was probably one of the hardest things I have ever been through—because, I am a Christian. I love Jesus. Yet, here I was, harming the temple that God gave me. So as time goes by, not only am I continually bingeing but I started taking diet enhancer pills. I was losing weight fast already by the purging but whenever I combined that with the pills, it was almost daily I was shedding pounds. It was an obsession. I was never satisfied. I wanted more. I was cheating my way through and hurting my body along the way but no one had to know. I left college for the summer at almost 165 lbs. and whenever I returned I was barely pushing 120 lbs. I am only 5’5” and for me to lose that amount of weight with my height, I looked very sick. I had people telling me my cheeks were sinking in, my thighs no longer touched, and I was weak and frail.

I knew I was in the wrong, I felt like people read it on my forehead that as soon as I stepped out of that bathroom, and my cheeks were red, eyes watering, that it was obvious I had just thrown up my food. And the fact that I was down to my ideal weight that I wanted in hopes to look like the models I saw, satisfaction definitely still was nowhere to be found. I was still insecure, I didn’t feel pretty, and I didn’t have strength. Of course, I had some people telling me I looked good but every curve that I once had was gone. WHY COULD I NEVER BE SATISFIED? I even still tried to convince myself that at any minute I could quit purging. I tried to “convince” God that too. Ha.

Here I am at church one Sunday night at a healing service. I’m chilling. Not trying to pay attention too much. The guy speaking was a guest speaker and he starts calling off all these different things that he felt the Lord was laying on his heart to pray with and for these people to receive healing. He was calling off things like diabetes, cancer, the flu, shoulder problems--- and then—he said that there was someone in the congregation who had been purging and was trying to convince themselves they had control over it but the Lord is saying for them to stop. Immediately. Right then and there, no arguments, ya girl quit. Cold turkey. Have I relapsed? Yes. Have I been tempted? Definitely. But I have received healing.

Today I am fully healed. I no longer have the urge to want to do this. I have actually gained all the weight I lost back. I am doing things the right way—the healthy way. I have worked my butt off in the gym and am naturally getting to the goals I have set before. They are manageable, reasonable, and even though the process getting there is much longer, the process builds strength and character. So, yeah, I love to workout. I love pushing myself. I talk about working out often simply because I am proud that I don’t have to shove two fingers down my throat for me to feel worthy. God is good. He has healed me. Not only has He helped me get past this but He is showing me just how worthy I am in His eyes. Being able to enjoy myself and my body is the best feeling ever and I only get better from here. I’m still learning a lot and I may not be where I want to be but I’m definitely not where I was.

Sometimes your biggest motivator… is YOURSELF. I feel like life is an emotional roller coaster. One minute everything is going great and then out of nowhere insecurities, doubts, and worry begin to tie our hands behind our back and push us around. Leaving ourselves in such a vulnerable state surely people can read the shame that seems to engulf us. It is an uncomfortable feeling, it’s not fun. The pain is real. The masks we put on are only temporary. We think there is no way God remembers us, no way He remembers the promises He has spoken over us—Lord, I am not enough. I doubt You could use someone like me and turn every wrong thing I have ever done into something good, pure, and beautiful.                

 See, this is exactly the mindset the enemy wants us to have. He wants us to predict a future for us that the Lord never once spoke into existence. A lot of the times this is where we get weary in our walk, weakened in our faith, and the white flag is waving in the air. We have surrendered… but to the wrong things. We have let down the walls, but not by choice. It was taken by force and without mercy. Dissatisfaction begins to seep into our every thought, indwelling in sin that has us by a chain. This is how I lived… this is how sometimes I live and have to remind myself who I am.

I am Ashlea Michelle Calicott. I am the DAUGHTER of the Most High, the Creator of Heaven and Earth. I have royalty in my blood. If I supposedly know who I am then why am I allowing the enemy to treat me like the scum of the Earth? He wants us to turn away from the victorious mindset into the victim mindset. To doubt who I am, doubt my worth, to bathe in shame and pity. But that’s when coaching myself and being my own motivator comes into play. Yes, it is easy to turn to other people and get advice, have someone hype me up for a little bit and then I am back to the state of mind where I previously was. People won’t always be there, though. That’s when I have to run to God. Run like I have never ran before and kneel before Him. The temporary advice of others fades away but the strength of the Lord has so much power and peace that makes me want to keep running back to seek His face.

God, take me back to the place where I am vulnerable in Your presence. Guide me to the point in my life where I had the innocence of a child, where I sought you with all that I had. Nothing or no one can hold me back from reaching the full potential I am intended to walk down. I will run the race; I will see growth pains as beauty and wisdom. I am made in the fullness of Christ.

Persistency and consistency is key. Realizing all that I am and what I am made of belongs to Jesus. He is my provider. I can get through any storm, any obstacle, and any trial. Insecurities will flee, hurt will become healing, and bondage will be broken. I am running to you, Lord. I am running. I will run to the Mercy Seat. 

I feel like as Christians, it is so easy for us to get into the routine of the same ol' typical sayings you would find on Pinterest. You know, the ones whenever you first get saved it's your home screen, lock screen, and Facebook banner-- "God won't put me through more than I can handle", "He won't bring me to it if He can't see me through it." -- I swear we just shoot things out of our mouth like a lucky win at the lottery. Haha. That was funny. Anyway...

The point I am trying to make is that are we really being intentional in giving others and ourselves advice or is it all a front? I am telling you to trust God and I have good meaning behind it but do the words I speak and say truly emphasize that I KNOW God will see you through, that yes, it is hard, but God has your back. He loves you. He is fighting for you today, tomorrow, and everyday after that.

I don't want to sound like a broken robot who is going through the motions with my cute quotes that are so surfaced I could ride some waves on it. I'm not looking to give you baby food... I want you to feast on that soulful food. The kind of stuff that makes you chew on it, think about the flavor, and ponder on the next course you should take. Get confident with yourself-- the words you speak over yourself and over others should have life.

It's okay to be bold when putting God on the spot. He knows people are going to question, that doubts will float around the minds of believers {and non-believers} "Be still and know that I am God..." Psalms 46:10

I write this as an encouragement to myself. I can be bold in knowing the Lord has it together even when I don't and I will have the courage to share that if God see's past my flaws and failures and has His best interest for me, then I know without a doubt He's got you too. 

YALL. Okay, I seriously just had to write this as soon as I could. I know my blogs are so sporadic, only because I don't want to just write because I feel an obligation to do so, but write when I truly have some heart and meaning to what I have to say-- and this is some good stuff because I was saying "amen" to myself in class thinking about my next entry.

Have you ever been rejected? Felt like you were inadequate? Compared yourself to someone else? Well, welcome to the life of Ashlea Calicott.

You name the problem, I have been there. Call out the situation, I've walked through it. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn but really just to encourage anyone out there that simply feels like they will never amount to anything. Whether this is in the eyes of God, the eyes of parents or even a significant other. The life that you are living has so much value, worth and beauty it's hardly containable. Who you are is so special because no one else can bring to the table what you have to offer.

I swear for years and years I have compared myself to other girls (guys, this can hit home for you as well). I have compared the looks, the body, the voice, personality, every little thing you can think of. This began to infest my mind, my very breath was words of confidence that was lacking and identity that had been almost ripped from my very being.

I was losing myself trying to find it in another person. But can I just say praise the Lord because at my weakest moments He has given me strength. At the point where I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up I had to realize the even though I have been let down, shoved, walked over and spit on, my Redeemer is on my side. Making those crooked paths straight, healing every wound that  may seem to get ripped open every other day, personally attending to my every need-- its beautiful. It's a great feeling. It leaves me speechless.

You make look at your situation, the way that you feel at this very moment and think that no one may truly understand, and no one really does, but you have to do yourself a favor, since no one else is going to, and get yourself out of the pit that is just tearing you down. You don't have to wallow in pity, feel ashamed, burdened, this can be released-- you can be set free.

Today is the day you move forward, it's the day you don't compare yourself, you don't settle for your worth. It's time to look in the mirror and see the reflection of an incomparable human. Today is that day. Move in confidence.